OH god oh god oh god...

[synnoveaevael]

Jared and I are forming a celibacy club. HAHAHAH...

Then we're throwin' a party. The drink of choice will be Jonestown Jared's Kool Aid.

We just started thinking about all the people who get laid and we don't and... the tears.. I can't even type...


WE'RE HEEEDIOUS!!

People who get laid and we don't:

- Verne Troyer

- Fat Bastard

- That chick in KingPin that Woody Harrelson had to fuck for rent

- Sumo Wrestlers

- That wrestler Chyna with the 4 inch clit

- Fucking Carrot Top

- Jonathon Davis

- Ron Jeremy (I don't care HOW big his dick is, he looks like a fucking marmet)

- ROSEANNE

- Rosie O'Donnell

- David fucking Copperfield

- Dan Aykroyd

- Stephen Hawking (I debate this one though, but I bet the chair has attachments)

- Steve Buschemi

- Hugh Heffner! He's 900 years old!!!

- Kermit the Frog (Jared says he's literally porkin' too)

- Gary Goddamned "You Can Be As Loud As The Hell You Want When You're Making Love" Coleman


Jared: "What the fuck, man, I want to die. I wanna put on a Sadé album and put a shotgun in my mouth"



Me: "You masturbate more than anyone else on the planet"

Jared: "You come in a close second"

---

Who else? We're going for awful here. Like, there goes my fucking ego, bad.