synnoveaevael: (Dark Tower - Go Then)
Has it really been a year?

The fucking concept blows my mind.

I guess it's been more than a year. Seeing as they really don't know when you died. We observe the 27th because we humans need such closure. We still don't know why. Inconclusive is inconclusive. It provides us with nothing. Again, due to what Silvia said, I am willing to believe it was lack of insulin. Even though you'd had this issue before and were hospitalized for it, you chose to believe you were invincible. I really wish you had learned your lesson. I really wish you had listened to me, or any of your friends, the hundreds of times we pounded on your thick Cuban skull to make you listen. But you always marched to the beat of your own drummer, and sometimes to your own detriment.

I will feel your loss with every future activity I do. Just so you know.

Hug Jayme for me, will you? And slap Michelle's ass. She'll appreciate it. Rub Lexie's furry lil' head for me. Loyal little sod. I miss you guys. A lot. Two-thirds of a really nutzo team is gone. It's just me now. No one else has those memories. No one else knows all the horrors that Parsippany apartment actually got to see. Probably for the best, not that I ever thought I would be president, but the pictures really prove that one.

Sometimes it hurts to breathe without you guys. Sometimes it strikes me at the most awkward and awful of times. Like, at work. Go go gadget brain, go.

*rubs face*

Juliet's doing great though. Make some sort of deal that I can keep her around for a very long time, happy and healthy, okay? I know you prolly miss her, but you'll get her for longer than I will. So, patience, panda boy.

Mazzy Star played earlier. Of course I thought of you. And then I realized the date. And my heart sank. I haven't heard that song since last year, when I played it to write out the lyrics to give you. So I'm going to take that as a message from you through my Pandora station, which was on Depeche Mode, which shouldn't have played a frickin' Mazzy Star song, so. Yeah. That's my rationale.

I don't know if I will ever not be a little angry at you. But that's the least of the emotions I feel when I think of you now. I think it makes sense though. And you know why.

But. I miss you buddy. I really miss you.

Okay okay.

Sep. 18th, 2012 03:33 am
synnoveaevael: (Can't Hardly Wait - No legs)
I get it now.

I finished all Buffy and all the Angel. Watched them in chronological order, too. Which turned out to be a good thing.

Alan would be proud, lol... All a million years later.

Did I mention his autopsy results came back inconclusive? He'd have hated that.

But yes. All in all. What a couple series. Some REALLY RETARDED plot lines. But some awesome dialog and camaraderie and amazing characters.

Am pleased. I feel like... a war hero. If war heroes sat on their asses and watched hundreds of hours of teevee.

HOLY SHIT. I WATCHED HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF TEEVEE.

*faceplants*

*points to icon*

*sleeps*
synnoveaevael: (MJK Bellie Button)
Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first lovethe rest of the days )

Well. There are a ton of ways one can answer this one. I mean. My first love was my mother. I defended her with my wee fists and big tears. We were a team.

Or, my first crush. I think that'd be Christopher Lindstrom, who by the way, is still super adorable. I haven't interacted with him since about 7 years ago when I dropped my wallet outside a deli, and he gave it back to me.

Or, my first high school crush, whom I thought I was in love with. What did I know. Christopher Rahimi. Boys named Chris, LOOKOUT. Oh, he was so angsty with his big baggie skater pants and too much metal in his face. He died when I was 18, he was just 19. I'd seen him a week or two before. He said how he was joining the Army or something. No more drugs for him, he said. Before he died of a heroin overdose. *sigh* What a waste. One thing that stands out for me during that, was hugging his friend Mike, who I'm pretty sure sold him the shit. He said he was sorry about a thousand times, just to me. My friend John, who was tight with both of them, and maaay have been with Mike when he sold Chris the shit, was... inconsolable. To this day I wonder how John is doing. We had a weird not-relationship...

But.

I think my first love would be Alan. He was my first boyfriend. The first person I said "I love you" to, and actually meant "hey, I wanna spend my life with you" kind of love.



At the American Museum of Natural History, in NYC. Circa... 2003?

I was a late bloomer. Shocker. I didn't get my first boyfriend till I was 21. The reality of the situation is I was very awkward. One day I went from being very troll like and bad teeth/braces, thick glasses, BAD hair, worse skin, etc, to looking like this:



Literally overnight. Awkward looking from like, 5 to 17/18. And by that time? I was just convinced I was gonna be lonely for a while. I had friends, but. Whatever.

However. I started going to QXTs. OH BOY HOWDIE. Wait, you mean... there *ARE* people who accept me for what I look like and I don't have to look like cookie cutter Barbie to get a man's attention?? HOLY SHIT.

Self confidence, along with some make up, is a sexy thing.

Insert Alan. He came along just as I was really coming into my sassy attitude. A friend of his brought him to the club since we'd all had a blast the week before. He caught my friend Jayme's eye, and well. Downhill from there. Heh.

Then, after some interesting circumstances, Alan and I started flirting. At the club. Online. I didn't think much of it. He was far from the only one I was flirting with and vice versa. But for some reason, he really didn't let me go far. And one day, boof. He asked me to be his girlfriend. How does the protocol for this go? I said yes.

Now, the buffoon, he dropped the L-bomb like, 2 weeks after we were officially dating, where I asked him to be a date to one of my sorority sister's wedding. I did not respond. HA. Cause, I didn't love him. I barely knew him! But. Eventually I did fall in love with him.

I don't know how much is family loved me at first. I met a couple of them, Sophia & Herk, after my cousin's wedding since we were in the neighborhood. So, then, I meet all one million of his loud, Cuban (and some Puerto Rican) family members at a surprise birthday party for Sophia. Great. The ONLY ones I know, and their the main guests. I was so pale and gothie and, well. Not Cuban. Alan did not have the best track record in the world with girlfriends, I was soon to find out. But. Somehow it worked.

And they loved me. Like, when I dropped Alan off at his Aunts' house once a few years ago, Rosie said "God, you did so much better" when she met Jim. Alan was like "ROSIE. I AM RIGHT HERE." And she said "Yeah, I know. I love this girl." HAHAHAH...

*cough* Anyways.

Both our worlds collapsed a year later, and we moved in together. We were in a relationship for 2.5 years. Then, after that dissolved, we lived together for another 9 months. Till he decided joining the Air Force was the thing to do. See, he never had much structure in his life, and well. Where better to go. *shakes head*





Anyrate. We still stay in touch. He was just out here for my birthday extravaganza. He needs to take better care of his beetus, but, hopefully he'll take some responsibility for once in his life. Tard.

Our relationship now is more of that pesky brother/sister thing. He's a dumbass and I let him know why.

So. There's my first love.

*sigh*

Jul. 12th, 2010 05:56 pm
synnoveaevael: (Lil Me)
I made it through this week. It was hard. Thursday was... Well. Awful. It was great to tell Jayme and Michelle stories though. I think that someone wanted me to go up and give some stories, but I was drawing a blank on what to say that was PG enough for the crowd... *grins*

Roger & I shared our favorite Jayme story, with Tim and the stun gun. *lol*

Although I suppose there was that time that she went to California and left ME in charge of her horse, Marie. I suppose that tells of the love and trust we had right there. Marie was her everything before George & Derrick.

Friday was... Worse. I had our ex-boyfriend brigade (Hey, for a while there, Jayme and I shared *everything*.) and having Alan & JD there was super helpful. Watching those twin coffins go into the ground was a little much for me to handle on my own, and I am happy they were there.

There was a musical interlude for them after everyone talked at the church, and George asked me to get some music together for them. Well, I had a CD of lots of things made (actually a playlist, but then the AV guy was like, "Uhmm... I need it on iPod or CD" and so I burned a CD) and they only really had time for one song. So I chose VNV Nation's "Beloved". It was a favorite of Jayme's.

It's colder than before
The seasons took all they had come for
Now winter dances here
It seems so fitting don't you think?
To dress the ground in white and grey

It's so quiet I can hear
My thoughts touching every second
That I spent waiting for you
Circumstances affords me
No second chance to tell you
How much I've missed you

My beloved do you know
When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass
And please don't ask me why I'm here
Something deeper brought me
Than a need to remember

We were once young and blessed with wings
No heights could keep us from their reach
No sacred place we did not soar
Still, greater things burned within us
I don't regret the choices that I've made
I know you feel the same

My beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds
Thinking that I saw you there
These are feelings that do not pass so easily
I can't forget what we claimed as ours

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits
Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits

My beloved do you know
When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass
And please don't ask me why I'm here
Something deeper brought me
Than a need to remember

My beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds
Thinking that I saw you there
These are feelings that do not pass so easily
I can't forget what we claimed as ours

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits
Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits
Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits
Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits


I thought "Hellraiser" would be slightly, well, less received. Even though it's the first song that pops into my head when I think of her. Cause we had a dance to that shit, yo.

I told Janete she's not allowed to die. I can't lose anymore of my life influences. She was great. She helped me through Thursday.

This whole thing sucks so bad.

I found out that Michelle was dead when they found her, laying on top of her babies to protect them. They revived her. Her organs were shutting down and she was bleeding out internally. Her babies were being suffocated by her, but it sort of saved them. The smoke inhalation they suffered wasn't as damaging because of it. Adam (her youngest) should be home soon, if he isn't already. Alyssa has some burns, 2nd degree on her ear and arm of the same side from where she was laying down when it all happened. But she's not even expected to scar. Derrick is fine. He's finally off of the ventilators. He did NOT like them one bit. So when they'd take him off of them, he'd try to go to sleep, and the docs couldn't have that. He needed to be awake and cough and stuff. But. I just got this:



George and Derrick. Little man looks good.

Apparently, a good Samaritan caught Derrick. Jayme was trying to get out of the window, and this guy who was in the Air Force (with a background of fire fighting), on leave, with his buddy who was a volunteer fire fighter, when they got the call. He ran to the the house and told Jayme to drop Derrick. And she did. He caught the baby and ran to the EMTs with him. It was then that Jayme fell and hit her head. They wouldn't let George see her body because it was in such a state that they felt it would be psychologically damaging. He had them tie some of his hair around her ring finger and has been wearing her rings.

George said her camera and her phone weren't damaged. There's video of her cooing to Derrick while he crawls around. And their wedding album wasn't touched at all. Not even heat damage. It's the little things.

It's just. Been awful.

I spent a couple hours today reading her journal, [livejournal.com profile] ladycora. Just... *sigh*

I can't believe this is real. I just wanna text her. Have her text show up with a picture of Derrick... Something.

ETA: Just as I hit post, Lori (her sister-in-law) texted me. Derrick should be able to go home with George tonight.

Uhm...

May. 15th, 2010 10:58 pm
synnoveaevael: (WTF?)
So after one of the most BIZARRE conversations with Alan I've ever had (40 minutes of him rambling, repeating himself and making *absolutely* no sense, I even had Janete & Jim listen to part of it), he hung up mid-sentence and I haven't heard back from him since.

That was like, 4 hours ago.

WHAT THE FUCK.

ETA: He just texted me back "Hey".

Thank the gods. I seriously was wondering if he slid into a diabetic coma or something. I would have sworn he was drunk or drugged and he kept saying he wasn't.

ETA2: After texting him back "you're alive!", he said "of course. What's up doll?"

...................................

WUT.

Time to get to the bottom of this.
synnoveaevael: (Dance with me!)
Not that I have much to say. I really don't.

OH!

PARTY SATURDAY!!!!

It's for Alan. It's for fun. He has new Wii games to abuse. There will be alcohol. Come whenever, and if you're staying over do let me know, kthx :)

Last night, Squish & I had our snow V-Day since the original got mother nature's kabosh. He took me to the Outback and it was delicious. He got me chocolate and 2 months of Warcrack. Can you tell he wants me to keep playing? Heh. :)

I got him a Warcrack shirt (great minds) and a card that played "Ring of Fire" cause it's funnie. :)

We also shopped a bit. From the lovely Kim, I had a $15 coupon for Lane Bryant, and they were actually selling things cheap. *gasp* BTW, for those of you in the want, those little velvet jackets they had for $100 are on sale for $49.99. If you have any coupons, that's a pretty decent deal :) I thought about getting one, but, I hate dry clean only shit.

Anyrate, I used the coupon and spent $5 on a nice new pale green shirt (feels like tshirt materia, but it's a 3/4 length sleeve with a V neck) and a quasi matcing darker green tank top. Cause I live in them.

As I was walking out I saw they had these hankerchief skirts on sale from like, $40 or something to $6.99. WHAT!? *mine* So I pick the thing up and it's got extra material hanging off of it. I'm like, wtf? I ask the woman, "So, I'm stupid. I don't understand what this situation is all about *points to hanging things* decoration or what?"

She proceeds to show me how it's a halter dress. Or a skirt. Or a sleeveless dress. Or a wrap dress.

WHAT!? Mine.

I tried it on as a halter, and it's not so bad. I also found out I can convert my bra to a halter style. Who knew. How awesome is that shit.

They also had them in blood red *cough*Janete*cough*

So, $12 later, I have 3 new, soft and pretty items of clothing. I'm wearing the green shirt & black skirt today. :) *twirls* Spins nicely :)

We also harassed Rich. Cause that's what we do.

So, tomorrow is the party, and Squish won't be there much of it, cause he's doing an Audio/Visual job with Rob's dad. Which is cool. Yay money. I shall miss him though. *tear*

My aunt & Heidi (along with her daughter, Lauren) are down by Trish. She had another sonogram done today since they couldn't get an accurate reading of the heartrate last time. Apparently he's a lil' wiggle worm.

I have off Monday. This is fucking glorious. Janete & I are having a WoW party. Squish will join us until his "oh crap I have to go to work" mojo kicks in.

BTW, we still have calendars left. BUY SOME!!!!


LimeProject.org

Digg It!


For someone who didn't have a lot to say, I certainly managed, didn't I?

Weee!

Feb. 12th, 2007 10:28 am
synnoveaevael: (Big Lebowski - Rug tied the room)
Happy Birthday [livejournal.com profile] eternalprelude!!

In honor of Alan's birthday, I'm throwing the dumbass a birthday party.

It was going to be Friday, but since Faith & Wendy's shindig was cancelled, I'm thinking Saturday might be better for those travelling about.

So. COME ON DOWN. Bring whatever you will. I'll supply the cake. :)

PARTYPARTYPARTY

WEE!

Feb. 12th, 2006 01:19 pm
synnoveaevael: (Umbrella)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY [livejournal.com profile] eternalprelude!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry you can't be here. In the FOOT OF FUCKING SNOW we have.

But you have fun in Texas, now, ya hear? :)
synnoveaevael: (Default)
Friday
Quality time with the boyfriend. Mmm. Got ready for the club, and was joined at my house by Jared ([livejournal.com profile] 32_footsteps)& Rachael (who's lj name escapes me) & Archie ([livejournal.com profile] jedi_007) and eventually by Janete ([livejournal.com profile] prisonsexaholic). Then JD went and got Lis ([livejournal.com profile] alystinnoir) and Diane.

Janete & I got dressed and attempted NOT to look like twins, but I'm so fucking fat that like, 3 outfits look decent on me anymore. So we looked damned similar.

Got to QXT's and immediately started getting my drink on with painfully strong jolly ranchers. And then I switched to Midori sours.

Ran into teh Angus ([livejournal.com profile] lollipopmilitia) and Laura. :D There was also a Woodchuck ([livejournal.com profile] woodchuck665) and then a Jenn ([livejournal.com profile] jeph0280)...

Then I nearly had a heart attack because I was tapped on the shoulder by none other than Alan ([livejournal.com profile] eternalprelude)!!

That was way niftie. Had lots of fun time with everyone. Danced lots. Was goot. Got verrah drunk.

Came home and set up my living room for those who were crashing.

Saturday

Woke up and went to the post office with Alan, where he was muchly praised by Santa for being in the Air Force (he was wearing his Airman jacket) and spent a half hour in line talking to people and the such.

Meanwhile, Janete made a horribly fattening breakfast. MMM. Was sooo good. Then we drove Alan to Weehawken and dropped his ass off at Phieffe's house. Janete & I drove home and she then went to the Poconos with her friend Nancy who stopped by to pick her up.

Spent the rest of the night grooming. Showered and shaved everything all nice, exfoliated everything. Felt all nice and silky smooth. :)

Watched lots of tv. "Freaky Friday" which was cuter than I thought it would be. The Christopher Titus comedy special again. Something called "Sol Goode" which was mildly amusing. Random parts of movies and such. Ate Archie's left over chicken parm, and made some angel hair pasta and sauce to go with it.

JD eventually called me and took me to IHOP around, 12:30/1 or so, where I had hot chocolate and apple pie and ice cream. Mmmm. ♥

He's so cute. I love him so much.

Went home and slept.

Sunday

Went down to JD's. Saw the Giants BLOW ASSHOLE. God. GRRrrr.. Saw the Jets hold their own for a bit. Then lose. Saw "Showtime". Watched the Redskins, and prayed for success. Harassed Danny for a bit at work. Ate yummie food stuffs for dinner.

Came home.

So sayeth the Nikki.

Update.

Sep. 20th, 2004 09:10 pm
synnoveaevael: (Default)
For Alan, this is for letters.

A1C Fernandez, Alan
DET1, 361TRS
POBox 687
Aberdeen Proving Grounds, MD 21005-0687

He's got a seperate addy for packages, but I don't know that yet.

Aww.

Sep. 19th, 2004 11:46 pm
synnoveaevael: (Default)
Just got off the phone with him, and he sent me some camera phone pix of him in his dress blues :)

Alan! )

Ha!

Sep. 3rd, 2004 10:30 am
synnoveaevael: (Default)
Horoscope for Cancer
03 Sep 2004
Enjoy some socializing today. Organization will be the key to avoiding discord and family feuds. You are best to work at home, clearing up overdue projects.

Kwiz.Biz Daily Horoscopes for your Blog



So true. Tonight, I'm gonna stay at home, work, and go to sleep early for once. I'm so tired I ache. I don't know how my eyes are open...

*glares at landscapers outside*

Oh yeah. That's how I'm awake.

Work bites.

Alan called yesterday. He's gradumating today :) He missed EXPERT on the M-16 by FIVE shots!!! Alan with a gun. Kinda scary.

He's getting his wisdom teeth yanked out Monday. Sucks for him. I still miss the little shitter, but things are getting more "routine".

Kellie and her gay boyfriend Billy stopped by. He's too cute.

Watched Underworld with Raj & JD. Fun fun :)

JD & I went to Blockbusters and I realized how many movies I had NO CLUE existed. Honestly, I don't think I'm worse off for it. But there are some out there I want to see. Van Helsing, Punisher, and I wanna buy Kill Bill Vol. 2...

So tired.

*z*

YAAAY!

Aug. 10th, 2004 06:54 pm
synnoveaevael: (Default)
Time for another letter from Alan!!!


Dear Nikki,

Today has been the BEST day at boot camp yet. I ran 2 miles in 15:10 (for the record, I can't do ONE mile in 15:10) (which is @:20 better than what I ran it coming in), I passed redline inspections on all 4 of my locker sections, and I got your letter today! I feel so good right now.

Of course, yesterday, I find out that I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled here at basic. I'd graduate, then stay on an extra week to get them pulled. That's all right, thought. I need to get them done anyway, so sooner rather than later, right?

And the day has gotten better! I'm getting a patio break, so I'll be talking to you after writing this (which he did)and tomorrow I have KP duty, so I get to eat as much as I want.

God I miss the cats. I could use Julie to cuddle sometimes, and I miss Lexie running up at chow time. I feel real good about doing so well, so all you guys can be proud of me.

When are you leaving for Pennsic? You yhave to send me pics to show my wingman and all my buds. Send me pics in general, if you can.

Say hey to Rajni, JD, Janete and EVERYONE for me. The end is in sight here. When I get to come back you guys will be so proud. Love you, miss you.

Yours truly,
Alan



I am proud of the shitter. And he's gonna look damned good once he gets back here. He was starting to get cut before he left. Around Christmas? Shiiiitt, homeboy's gonna look like one fly flyboy ;-)
synnoveaevael: (Default)
Dear Nikki,
Well, my first official week has started, and I'm learning a couple of things. One, church is actually fun (which should be an indicator of exactly how hellish this place is); two, I now eat 2x as fast as I ever did; three, PT (physical training) fucking SUCKS.

But, I have met a couple of pretty cool people here. It's not so bad when there's someone to share the burden. Our domr chief is a major asshole though. And one of our TIs is pretty cool, when we aren't acting like retards and making him PT us. I'm just glad I haven't caused the flight to get PTed yet.

I think I'm adjusting though. It's slowly becoming easier.

I miss everyone so much now. That's been hitting me hard lately. I'm so out of the my element here, in many ways. I miss the kids (the cats), I miss being able to walk to the fridge for a glass of milk, I miss the freakin' COUCH (heh, his bed here), for crying out loud. Most off all, I miss you. I miss having that friend that knows me so well, she told me things I couldn't realize about myself.

Anyways, I"m not gonna start you crying again (and I didn't!! I was good). Seems I've been doing enough of that lately.

So, today wasn't that bad. The worst part of the whole day was my one phonecall. (Yes, like prison, we get 1 phone call to notify our parents or whatever that we're fine and give our address. Not to exceed 3 minutes.) I called Rosie, and I wanted to call you too, but obviously couldn't. But, when I called Rosie, the answering machine picked up. I was a bit saddened by that. Of course it WAS 8 in the morning, so I guess I should have expected it. I told her to call you with my address, but we know her memory. So, in case you didn't get it from the return addy on the envelope, here it is:

AB Fernandez, Alan
323 TRS/FLT725 Dorm A4
PSC 3
1500 Shaw Drive Unit 369547
Lackland AFT, Texas 78236-6095

Make sure everything is exactly like that.

When spreading that around, make sure you tell people NO packages or candy or anything. vladyphoenixvDe said she was gonna send phone cards; those should be fine.

I guess all I really want is letters from everyone, keeping me in touch with the real world. Just words of encouragement, a kind word, updates on everyone's lives.

Anyway, I have PT in 5 hours, so I'm gonna wrap this up. Say hi to everyone for me, and tell them I hope to hear from them soon. Take care.

Yours truly,
Alan



I'm amused I didn't get an address for weeks, and now I've gotten it twice in one letter. :)

So you read kiddies, encourage the monkey!! :D
synnoveaevael: (Default)
Got a PHONE CALL from Alan!!! He's on the phone with me right now!!

Turns out the addy I have is NOT what is his real addy. He didn't get a chance to finish it!!! Here's the WHOLE addy.


AB Fernandez, Alan
323 TRS / FLT 725 Dorm A4
PSC3
1500 Shaw Drive
Unit 3695147
Lackland AFB, Texas 78236-6095




So write him THERE!!!

*beams*

He's really had NO TIME to do anything. The reason why we only had half an address is because when someone says "drop it NOW" you have to drop it NOW.

He hasn't been written up for ANYTHING yet.. Following orders like a good lil' soldier boy. His flight crew, however, is a bunch of morons who can't even fold their own clothing.

So they have to earn "patio time" which is how he got to call me. He doesn't even get time to EAT!!!

He says he'll try to call again as soon as he can, and he'd REALLY like to get letters!!! So now that we have a proper address, we can do so!!
He misses everyone SO much!!! He's in the best shape of his life!! He says running miles is like NOTHING to him now.

I guess making his ass walk to work all the time was good preemptive training ;-)
synnoveaevael: (Default)
So for all you eager writers...

WRITE TO eternalpreludeALAN!



AB Fernandez, Alan
323 TRS / FLT 725 Dorm A4
PSC3



Yeah, I know, no state. Kinda creepie, but I know he's in Tejas. :)

So, currently showering. Been doing lots of thinking. Always scary.

OH! My father called TWICE today. Color MY phone bill high. Sheesh. But he sounds SOOO good, so lucid. I found out HE has a thyroid problem. He's got the opposite of what I have so he's constantly eating and losing weight. The shitter. Couldn't even give me THAT. Gawd. Also found out I had an Uncle Kenny, who, not my grandfather, but HE was my dad's "role model" and when HE died, my dad kind of became "fuck it all" cause no one showed they cared about him. Which doesn't surprise me. My grandmother tried, but she had such a shit time of it all.

It's so weird. I don't know ANYTHING about my dad's side of the family except what I found out through my grandfather's obituary and some select meetings of relatives. I have a second cousin Jason who's in the CIA with at last check, 2 adorable blonde haired-blue eyed kids, he's my Great Aunt Gloria's kid. That my grandfather came to America when he was 18. I didn't even know I HAD an Uncle Kenny until my father mentioned him (his uncle).

My dad wants me to do some psychology grouping with his psychologist. Bring Lorenzo. I'm going to do it, it's just not getting done till after Pennsic (12 days for me!). I'll call her this week. Life is nuts. It's all helping my dad, and perhaps even me, but quite frankly, I don't feel like I need help in those areas of my life. I'd like to understand better this anxiety issue I have with my dad's side of the family, I think it's due to perhaps a lot of emotions and hard feelings and shittie communication issues.

Mentally, right now, my main concern is Lorenzo's psyche. That boy has been through so much I don't even want to think about it. Makes me sick to my stomache. And my father KNOWS he's got a lot of shit to go through with that kid to even START to make it right.

*rubs temples*

I wish people would understand that there is more to life than bullshit. I don't let a lot of things bother me, cause quite frankly, if I even let all the BIG crap in life (see above) bother me, I'd go fucking nuts. I'm quite aware of a lot of the issue I have and I know where they originate, which is why I don't let the little shit get to me. Sometimes I think by having all the shit go so wrong with me earlier in life has given me this "who gives a fuck" attitidude about a LOT of shit. I tend to look at a lot of things like "what if so and so were to die tomorrow, how would I feel about how I treated them" And I gotta say, the only one I feel any real tightness in my chest about is, Lorenzo.

I haven't treated him badly, and the times we've had together have been great, but A LOT of things went fucked up in our relationship. His mother hated me so I didn't get to see him when he was small. Saw him about 4 times before the age of 3. After that, I saw him pretty regularly, bout every two weeks cause I taught the bible class, and he was in my class. I only taught it to see him. When he stopped going 3 years later, I stopped teaching. Still saw him at least once a month. Until last year.

I don't know what happened. No, that's wrong, I know what happened. I started having a LOT of problems with my relationship with Alan, and I got more involved in Ren Faire, ran away from a lot of my problems with drinking and partying. I mean, I'm young I guess that's my solution to things, but whatever.
Alcohol: the cause and solution to all my problems.

Heh, not really. I don't drink that much. Twice a month or so.

But anyrate. I gotta fix this shit that's going on with Lorenzo. Cause, he's young enough where we CAN fix a lot of what went "wrong". I just hope he takes a page from my book and doesn't let the small shit bother him at all, so the bigger shit can slide off his little back easier.

*sighs*

It'll all be okay.

Shit, this turned into a mouthful without me even realizing it. Good journal *pets*
synnoveaevael: (Default)
The dumbass wants us all to write him.

Butttt... someone didn't include a return addy!!!! DUMBASS!!!

But here it is :)



Dear Nikki,

Man, this is hell.

I've barely eaten aything, barely slept, my flight (his group) is a bunch of morons that can't march straight. And we haven't even started PT (physical training) yet.

I'm holding up though. So far, it isn't the WORST thing I've done, but I guess I underestimated exactly how hot it is here.

Hell, we have to drink 10+ quarts of water just to stay hydrated.

I'll get through this. But I really miss all of you guys. Tell everyone that can to write, because I really don't know when I'll get a chance to. Only reason I got to write this is because we're sitting in a classroom waiting for an instructor.

Oh, and the TI's (training instructors) ARE that crazy.

Take care, hope to hear back soon,
Alan



He told me this story about how the instructors are like "who told you to drop your bag!!!" and then another will come by and say "who told you to drop that bag?!?!? PICK IT UP!!!! and so on and so forth...

So, I suggest everyone start writing him letters. And once I get a return addy from him, I'll post it :)
synnoveaevael: (Default)
Just talked to eternalpreludeAlan!!

He's in Texas already, just waiting for another flight.

So far, so good. He's not nervous, and they already have him in charge of a group of people. He's just doing crap, like, making sure they have their flight info and what not, but still.

I'm so happy for him.

So great to hear from him :)

For Alan..

Jul. 18th, 2004 02:50 pm
synnoveaevael: (Default)
Thanks for the reappreciation of Garbage.

I was angry when I met you
I think I'm angry still
We can try to talk it over
If you say you'll help me out

Don't worry baby (don't worry baby)
No need to fight
Don't worry baby (don't worry baby)
We'll be alright

This is the noise that keeps me awake
My head explodes and my body aches
Push it, make the beats go harder
Push it, make the beats go harder

I'm sorry that I hurt you
Please don't ask me why
I want to see you happy
I want to see you shine

Don't worry baby (don't worry baby)
Don't be uptight
Don't worry baby (don't worry baby)
We'll stay up all night

This is the noise that keeps me awake
My head explodes and my body aches
Push it, make the beats go harder
Push it, make the beats go harder
C'mon push it, you can do it
C'mon prove it, nothing to it

C'mon use it, let's get through it
C'mon push it, you can do it

Don't worry baby (don't worry baby)
Don't be uptight
Don't worry baby (don't worry baby)
We'll stay up all night

This is the noise that keeps me awake
My head explodes and my body aches
Push it, make the beats go harder
Push it, make the beats go harder

This is the noise that keeps me awake
My head explodes and my body aches
Push it, make the beats go harder
Push it, make the beats go harder

This is the noise that keeps me awake
My head explodes and my body aches
Push it, make the beats go harder
Push it, make the beats go harder

Don't worry baby
We'll be alright
Don't worry baby
We'll be alright

Push it
Push it
Push it
Push it
Push it

*sighs*

Jul. 18th, 2004 02:34 pm
synnoveaevael: (Default)
Today's my birfday.

Yaaay birthday.

I don't feel 25. But I gotta say, although my friends are totally amazing, and I had a wonderful time last night, my one true downer is eternalpreludeAlan. I'm gonna miss that shitter.

In the almost year we've been broken up, he's turned into a brother figure to me, and well, dammit, now he's going off to the Air Force. Those poor flyboys don't know what they got when they recruited him. Heheh.

I'm gonna miss him so much. It's so hard to even understand. He made things so difficult for so long for me, but he's always been there for me. If I needed a hand, if I needed a hug, if I needed someone to grab something off the top shelf, to bum around with, play video games with, watch tv with.

He was just always there.

And I'm by no means alone now. But at the same token I am. This huge chapter of my life is ending, and I don't feel like it's complete. This is just as bad as when I said good bye to manicaphelionDani at the airport. Although, I've been letting Alan see how much I've been crying.

It's hard man. He's my bud!! My best friend is going off to start anew, and I wish him nothing but the best. But at the same time, I know how much I'm gonna miss the shitter.


Alan, I love you and I'll miss you. I don't even know if you'll get the chance to read this, but I certainly hope so.

Take care. I mean that. You can do so much in this world if you just open your eyes. You're amazing, and I think that someday soon, you're going to see what you have to offer and find out who you truly are in there.

*hugs*

Thanks for being in my life. It's gonna be crazy weird not seeing you all the time.


As to all Alan's friends, I'll be posting where you can write to him once he lets me know.

I'm delaying going down by kryimssonJD's & vladyphoenixvDe's right now. Perhaps in hopes that I'll see him again before he goes. Perhaps cause Rosie called and wants him to call her. And I feel I should give him this message.
Or... I dunno.

*sighs*

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